Good to Me

How do I start this? No, it's not writers block for I have a lifetime of stories to tell. I can tell you of lands both real and unreal, well perhaps not of this world but real nevertheless. Okay, so its almost the end of another year. 2019 is just around the corner, peeking through the dimming lights of December. I am 44 and I am on the verge of a separation. Whew! Now that I got that out, this is exactly how I got into writing. comforting, you can actually hear yourself speak, using your hands and your mind is totally involved with the process. There are so many things that I can't control, wait...let me correct myself, I am not in control, that's an illusion. 

I don't want to turn this into another never-ending rant about life. I wouldn't be here, on this chair, typing on this keyboard without the sovereign hand of God. That's what the title is for, an ode, a praise to Him who deserves all the honor and worship. He has blessed me with both his common and uncommon grace. No, this isn't a theology-filled-superlative monologue but to remember, to imprint, to bring into memory His grace. I am a man who has tasted the goodness and grace of God. I shouldn't be here but for whatever reason, under the sovereign mercies of God, He has orchestrated that I exist right now. I am here today inspite of my circumstance, feelings and emotions. This story does not end on this table, my story will continue but it is not going to be merely my story but His, for mine is just a miniscule, a microscopic part of His story. So Lord, here I am, writing again on this blog, I do not not know what next year will hold, I don't even know what will transpire, a minute, an hour, a few hours from now. But you have been good to me and it is enough.

He has been good to me. 

Grace and Relationships

One of the issues of being in a relationship with people from a different faith is that their opinion of your belief will sometimes solely rely and will be relative to your relationship with them. Point in fact, if you make a mistake then often time your belief system will be judged accordingly, not just yourself but the entire demographic you belong to (poor born-again Christians lol, talk about being a poor representative for the group).

I wish there was an easier way to tell them about grace, how each day of my life, each breathing  minute and hour, I am relying on that saving grace for forgiveness and for mercy. That it is solely based on this concept and reality of grace that I rise up each day to give life another try.

Grace, such an extravagant and unfamiliar concept.

Grace, one of the cornerstones of my faith.

A re-post from 2006. "Awake" by James Yee

I love writing. It is one of my passions in life. I usually need the refuge of my desk and the silence of my room to draw some kind of inspiration. But there are such moments when the god of words places his hand upon my shoulders and my hand begins to write.

Searching for an oasis in the middle of a transient desert, 

looking for meaning within the confines of the universe. 

Dreams, visions...they visit me as I sleep, leaving me empty as I wake up again. 

Phantom visitations from another world, keeping me safe from all that I have lost. 

Don't wake me up, let me lay down my head for awhile, let me wander through my slumber, taking refuge in a world that is not my own. 

If I ask, will you answer? If I look, will I find? Don't wake me up, I'm dreaming, don't wake me up, I'm trying to live.

“The Day The Saucers Came” by Neil Gaiman

That Day, the saucers landed. Hundreds of them, golden,
Silent, coming down from the sky like great snowflakes,
And the people of Earth stood and
stared as they descended,
Waiting, dry-mouthed, to find out what waited inside for us
And none of us knowing if we would be here tomorrow
But you didn’t notice because

That day, the day the saucers came, by some some coincidence,
Was the day that the graves gave up their dead
And the zombies pushed up through soft earth
or erupted, shambling and dull-eyed, unstoppable,
Came towards us, the living, and we screamed and ran,
But you did not notice this because

On the saucer day, which was zombie day, it was
Ragnarok also, and the television screens showed us
A ship built of dead-men’s nails, a serpent, a wolf,
All bigger than the mind could hold,
and the cameraman could
Not get far enough away, and then the Gods came out
But you did not see them coming because

On the saucer-zombie-battling-gods
day the floodgates broke
And each of us was engulfed by genies and sprites
Offering us wishes and wonders and eternities
And charm and cleverness and true
brave hearts and pots of gold
While giants feefofummed across
the land and killer bees,
But you had no idea of any of this because

That day, the saucer day, the zombie day
The Ragnarok and fairies day,
the day the great winds came
And snows and the cities turned to crystal, the day
All plants died, plastics dissolved, the day the
Computers turned, the screens telling
us we would obey, the day
Angels, drunk and muddled, stumbled from the bars,
And all the bells of London were sounded, the day
Animals spoke to us in Assyrian, the Yeti day,
The fluttering capes and arrival of
the Time Machine day,
You didn’t notice any of this because
you were sitting in your room, not doing anything
not even reading, not really, just
looking at your telephone,
wondering if I was going to call.

A Journey Home

I see you in the faces of people that I talk to. I hear you in each voice that speaks. In each pain and misery. In their joy and hope. Though I don't see, I feel. Though I can not touch, I know.

This love, this unexplainable love that beckons this empty shell. I wander amongst remains of a wilderness of a self-made prison. There is no light except what I sense within. Longing for hope, longing for love, longing for life.

Though I sense you a stranger, but a stranger you remind me you're not. Floating pictures of memories, of love gone and forlorn. Laughter and singing and joyous moments filled my mind as you remind me of how its been. A sense of home yet I choose to wander all alone.

Each night of dreamless sleep. Each day of cheerless work. An aching tiredness like one dying, each breath, a trying climb uphill. I speak with airless lungs, I cry with tearless eyes. How I long for rest, how I long to stop this wandering. How I long to come home. A place I can call my own.

my dear silent friend. I deemed you silent yet you speak in my thoughts. The loyal stranger who seeks me as if I was a long lost friend. Your faithfulness astounds me, your love beckons me. Your nearness, a sense of home.

three years has passed, it feels to me like it was just over a year ago since we met but three years? wow, I'm just as impressed with that number as yourself. We were strangers, just living both our lives and trying to find the right path to take. I'm sure there's a cliche around here but that doesn't matter. I think, I know..we tend to take things for granted. We're comfortable with each other, we know each others ever changing moods (especially during those weird PMS days which I try to hide under a rock until that hormone induced rage/tantrum subsides), you can tell whether I'm telling the truth just by looking at my face. We often find ourselves saying the same thing during a conversation as if our brains were interconnected/synced by iCloud or when we look at each other after a particular scene with the same reaction while watching a movie.

We had our shares of up's and down's and disappointments, and of course lots of joys and some of life's pain which I know isn't that abnormal but just a part of being alive. Isn't it funny how it all started? I'm not even sure if there was any fireworks or any kind of parade, but well here we are. The state or concept of being in a relationship but not really (confusing) but well we didn't really mind didn't we? As long as we jived, as long as we are we, we didn't care. But somehow I knew one of us was eventually gonna ask THE question "what's next?" or "when?". Which brings me to my next barrage of blabber. I love you, I want you to be mine...to be officially mine. (DISCLAIMER: this isn't a wedding proposal so no dreams of weddings yet okay??)

There is no one else I want except you, there's no else I can imagine walking the aisle towards me except you, despite your nagging nature, your perfectionism (but please do relax on that area okay, cut the guy some slack) So there, can we please make it official? Can you be mine?


PS.
Next years gonna be one heck of a year God willing. Be ready :)

somehow, sometimes you get the feeling that even relationships are a test. Like some kind of
"king of the hill" type performance evaluation. At the office I get to listen to hundreds perhaps thousands of calls a month (just kiddin') i grade the reps based on parameters and identifiers the quality department created for a specific client or account. On relationships, I get evaluated based on how I look, react to relatives or important family members. What about a litmus test? it's that tough. I don't know about you but when it comes to "unconditional love" I'm certain that when it comes to my relationship..well that it's just basically a concept. The truth is, I am being evaluated, analyzed and audited based on my performance, reactions, the ability and the amount of vigor I still have when it comes to shopping (hours and hours of walking around). And so as I've mentioned "unconditional love" when it comes to relationships is just merely a concept. My feet hurts like hell and the nagging is like dripping water from a leaky faucet.

Unsure

I've asked you a thousand times
I've doubted you throughout that my name should be Thomas
I've kept my cool while my entire world turned upside down, inside out
I was unsure
But now I'm not sure about being unsure anymore

I've tasted the unknown
Journeyed far from home, the place I called my own
I've fought, I've died a thousand times
I was unsure
But now I'm not sure about being unsure anymore

Rollin' like a roller coaster out of control
I'm a storm out of season
I'm winter in the middle of spring
I was unsure
But now I'm not sure about being unsure anymore

(words by JY)

Two days before Christmas

After an uneventful "management" party at the pantry, here I am typing away at the keyboard, now all alone here at the office listening to Bruno Mars music (yikes.). That party was just aweful, just aweful, I can't believe I'm saying this. I guess I should still give credit to the people who organized it. You could feel that tension in the air, people trying to be friendly with people they hate lol.

It's easy to understand the Starbuck's magnetism on Filipino's. Every Starbucks store radiates with the promise of great coffee and best of class service. People are drawn to the brand itself rather than to the products that the store sells. I have had my good days and bad days with Starbucks, bad days pointing to bitter, charcoal tasting coffee and good days to some good (not bad but not great) coffee. One of the reasons why I go to there is usally the crowd, the yuppies, together with the twenty something's band together with the kikay crowd and wannabee cool teens, its a great place to stare and to do some people watching. But its really not a good place to take your journal or laptop for some good writing, the crowd is brash and often too loud for some thinking.

This is what I miss about the States, the Philippines have a weird take on cafe culture, they really don't get it, it reminds me of a "gimmick" culture rather than a real cafe. Back in the States, its quite different, at least they have an understanding of the Italian cafe culture.

I miss drinking great coffee, I miss the sights and sounds of a real cafe. The tamping and hissing sounds as the barista creates art out of a handful of delicately roasted arabica. I hate in the deepest sense of the word, the bitter and foul tasting liquid that I am offered each time I visit Starbucks. And I beg to disagree with Mr. Shultz, the best way to roast coffee isn't always dark. But there is hope for coffee lovers like me, stores like Bo's and Figaro offer a quiet reprieve from the everyday life. A place to think, to write and drink a great cup of coffee.

Between sleep and being awake, I sat inside the cab in silence. Listening to the sound of the rain outside, stop and go, I slide in and out of sleep. I’m trying to survive on a meager diet of instant cup noodles and gallons of neon colored energy drink. Radio music like background static, I try to focus on the words but my sleep starved brain was too tired to decipher. Finally I arrived at my destination, a dark old four storey building, I passed by a half asleep security guard, he looks at me with a blank stare and then goes back to sleep.

I opened-up my computer, there were a thousand and one messages waiting to be answered. I paused, closed my email, they could wait.

Saturday scribbles

It's 9:14 in the morning still at the office, finishing up my reports for the week. Rest of the other QA's are doin' some calibration with one of the trainer and some ops people from non-voice. Excited to to watch a Repertoire Philippines play later at greenbelt..the thing is that means no sleep for me. Gotta go home, take a shower, dressup and get to makati before the rest of the valentines/saturday crowd turns active. (QA talk in the background etc. stats, variants, calibration..) gotta get these things off my head, its the weekends! wohhoo!

Drawn to pictures
unknown worlds i see
cut me up and you'll know whats inside
draw you in further, deeper down this hole
leave your life for awhile.

Where do dreams go when they fade away? Why do tears fall and souls sigh? Just a bit of heaven, a sunrise to fill each heart. Weary hands, tired little feet, put your hope in God. There is more than a silver lining to each dark cloud, though sometimes He cannot be found, when faith can't seem abound, when the sun still refuses to shine, don't despair, what can't be seen with open eyes might still be viewed through closed eyes and bended knees. Rest now my soul, put your trust in God.

"Leaving all y false infinites"

Falling away from all that I believed, my false infinites...I'm coming back to to the place I once knew. Falling down, looking up, reaching out. Walking past the borderlands, leaving the crossroads, I'm back to a place I once knew. That face, your touch, this heart...these hands. The Infinite, reflections of a world both familiar and strange to me, I catch a glimpse of a future home, I'm leaving my false infinites.

The calm before the storm..

I seat in front of a computer in a half empty room, the QA manager just seating across from me. Sipping on ice tea and trying to write something cool. But my sleep starved brain doesn't work the same way it did when I was still doing the normal shift (a morning job). Why do I keep on doing this? Besides the money which isn't really that big anyway if you consider all the possible diseases you'll get from working an 11-8 job which includes high blood pressure etc, the means just doesn't justify the end, my salary won't even pay for a weeks stay in a hospital if it comes to that. I guess its just for the love of it, the thrill that I get when I work with people, overcoming differences and aiming for a common goal..hmm, sounds like church to me, but without the complexities and irritants of working with people of the same faith.

Just like a child who has outgrown his old clothes, I still try to fit but I constantantly find myself yawning at everything. All those multimedia extravaganza highlighted by powerpoint presentations to the honest yet hohumm bible study group I was attending. I tried to look the other way, I try to be as christian-like, singing those songs for the umpteenth time, trying to feed in all the teachings of the pastor,..but for all I know I sometimes still come home feeling emptier. No, I'm not trying to lambast the church, no I'm not tryng to be self-righteous, I guess I've just outgrown the church. Nowadays, God's presence would visit me not inside a church building nor within a church small group, nowadays I often meet God face to face when I'm talking to a stranger, a colleague, reading a good book or just looking at the skies. I find myself more ministered to when I'm alone and it's just me and him talking..its just me and him without all the facade. I still enjoy attending church and being with God's people, I still enjoy their fellowship, but when I feel lost and I need to see the big picture, I'd rather go out and see the world, see it's peoples.. for there I often see... feel His heartbeat.

Smooth Temptations..

I am currently seating inside Gloria Jeans here at Mall Of Asia, now I usually go to Starbucks for my caffein kick but as usual SB was swarming with kinds and 20somethings with their laptops and Havaianas and there wasn't a spare seat in site. Reluctantly I had to look for an alternative, and there it was..Gloria Jeans, lots of room and seats. I looked at their menu and I asked "What's your Frapuccino type drink?" haha..I'm such a Starbucks fan. The barista pointed me to (to be continued)

Countdown to FB

I know right, I'm a creature of habit and new stuff scares me. While the rest of the universe has already migrated to this wonder of a site called FaceBook, I was just quite content updating my FS for quite awhile until now. So the countdown begins, i'm starting to packup my stuff and preparing for myself for the inevitable..it's like that "what the heck is a cellphone?" and yeah goodbye pocketbell pager lol.

It's hard to understand life's twisted roads and passages, it is disconcerting at times and for many of us life has treated us more cruel than kind. It's winding roads are littered with tears, heartaches and broken dreams and promises. Abandoned hearts longing for the love that was lost, longing and in want of the places and faces from their past. The coldness lingers inside each broken soul, its icy sting callouses the warmest of hearts..hardened and dead.

But tenderness does return, for every tear...comes a hand to wipe it. For every sorrow, joy begins. For every shattered heart...there is healing. For every sigh...comes a new hope. Life begins and the breath of a new beginning starts. For every closed door another one is open, for every goodbye there is a hello. Unrequited love is returned. I have learned that goodness always triumphs over evil, that weakened knees are made strong once more. We only need to return to the source of goodness and true love...love that never says goodbye, is always accepting, unchanging, ever faithful. A love strong enough to face death and triumphs over it. I wonder how many people have had their hearts broken...how many more do they have to go through before they surrender to grace. For me I await with fervent expectation what His grace will do next for me. He is unbelievably gentle and kind to touch and restore so that a pauper like me can learn to dance again.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (Amplified Bible)

4Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

6It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

Perfect Strangers

Was it merely an attraction? A newfound interest along the way? A love that came in too easy and went away just as fast.. we were needy for love and comfort so we found each other along this life's way. Two souls lost amongst the faces and the crowd. We were looking for something we did not know and in that search for the unknown we found each other. We thought we were moving in the same direction..but all it was a temporary reprieve from all that was lost in the past. We held hands, our eyes transfixed and we both found comfort for awhile, a secluded refuge in the midst of our personal storms..yet human hearts have a way of being restless..of wanting to be free, easily bored by the normal so we crave for the excitement of the unknown. So here we are again..perfect strangers, blindly finding our way through faces and the crowds again. Why do strangers become lovers and lovers become strangers? When does love begin and how does it end? Why do hearts that started to heal are ripped open once again? Maybe because the other loves too much and another loves too little..