three years has passed, it feels to me like it was just over a year ago since we met but three years? wow, I'm just as impressed with that number as yourself. We were strangers, just living both our lives and trying to find the right path to take. I'm sure there's a cliche around here but that doesn't matter. I think, I know..we tend to take things for granted. We're comfortable with each other, we know each others ever changing moods (especially during those weird PMS days which I try to hide under a rock until that hormone induced rage/tantrum subsides), you can tell whether I'm telling the truth just by looking at my face. We often find ourselves saying the same thing during a conversation as if our brains were interconnected/synced by iCloud or when we look at each other after a particular scene with the same reaction while watching a movie.

We had our shares of up's and down's and disappointments, and of course lots of joys and some of life's pain which I know isn't that abnormal but just a part of being alive. Isn't it funny how it all started? I'm not even sure if there was any fireworks or any kind of parade, but well here we are. The state or concept of being in a relationship but not really (confusing) but well we didn't really mind didn't we? As long as we jived, as long as we are we, we didn't care. But somehow I knew one of us was eventually gonna ask THE question "what's next?" or "when?". Which brings me to my next barrage of blabber. I love you, I want you to be mine...to be officially mine. (DISCLAIMER: this isn't a wedding proposal so no dreams of weddings yet okay??)

There is no one else I want except you, there's no else I can imagine walking the aisle towards me except you, despite your nagging nature, your perfectionism (but please do relax on that area okay, cut the guy some slack) So there, can we please make it official? Can you be mine?


PS.
Next years gonna be one heck of a year God willing. Be ready :)

somehow, sometimes you get the feeling that even relationships are a test. Like some kind of
"king of the hill" type performance evaluation. At the office I get to listen to hundreds perhaps thousands of calls a month (just kiddin') i grade the reps based on parameters and identifiers the quality department created for a specific client or account. On relationships, I get evaluated based on how I look, react to relatives or important family members. What about a litmus test? it's that tough. I don't know about you but when it comes to "unconditional love" I'm certain that when it comes to my relationship..well that it's just basically a concept. The truth is, I am being evaluated, analyzed and audited based on my performance, reactions, the ability and the amount of vigor I still have when it comes to shopping (hours and hours of walking around). And so as I've mentioned "unconditional love" when it comes to relationships is just merely a concept. My feet hurts like hell and the nagging is like dripping water from a leaky faucet.

Unsure

I've asked you a thousand times
I've doubted you throughout that my name should be Thomas
I've kept my cool while my entire world turned upside down, inside out
I was unsure
But now I'm not sure about being unsure anymore

I've tasted the unknown
Journeyed far from home, the place I called my own
I've fought, I've died a thousand times
I was unsure
But now I'm not sure about being unsure anymore

Rollin' like a roller coaster out of control
I'm a storm out of season
I'm winter in the middle of spring
I was unsure
But now I'm not sure about being unsure anymore

(words by JY)

Two days before Christmas

After an uneventful "management" party at the pantry, here I am typing away at the keyboard, now all alone here at the office listening to Bruno Mars music (yikes.). That party was just aweful, just aweful, I can't believe I'm saying this. I guess I should still give credit to the people who organized it. You could feel that tension in the air, people trying to be friendly with people they hate lol.

It's easy to understand the Starbuck's magnetism on Filipino's. Every Starbucks store radiates with the promise of great coffee and best of class service. People are drawn to the brand itself rather than to the products that the store sells. I have had my good days and bad days with Starbucks, bad days pointing to bitter, charcoal tasting coffee and good days to some good (not bad but not great) coffee. One of the reasons why I go to there is usally the crowd, the yuppies, together with the twenty something's band together with the kikay crowd and wannabee cool teens, its a great place to stare and to do some people watching. But its really not a good place to take your journal or laptop for some good writing, the crowd is brash and often too loud for some thinking.

This is what I miss about the States, the Philippines have a weird take on cafe culture, they really don't get it, it reminds me of a "gimmick" culture rather than a real cafe. Back in the States, its quite different, at least they have an understanding of the Italian cafe culture.

I miss drinking great coffee, I miss the sights and sounds of a real cafe. The tamping and hissing sounds as the barista creates art out of a handful of delicately roasted arabica. I hate in the deepest sense of the word, the bitter and foul tasting liquid that I am offered each time I visit Starbucks. And I beg to disagree with Mr. Shultz, the best way to roast coffee isn't always dark. But there is hope for coffee lovers like me, stores like Bo's and Figaro offer a quiet reprieve from the everyday life. A place to think, to write and drink a great cup of coffee.

Between sleep and being awake, I sat inside the cab in silence. Listening to the sound of the rain outside, stop and go, I slide in and out of sleep. I’m trying to survive on a meager diet of instant cup noodles and gallons of neon colored energy drink. Radio music like background static, I try to focus on the words but my sleep starved brain was too tired to decipher. Finally I arrived at my destination, a dark old four storey building, I passed by a half asleep security guard, he looks at me with a blank stare and then goes back to sleep.

I opened-up my computer, there were a thousand and one messages waiting to be answered. I paused, closed my email, they could wait.

Saturday scribbles

It's 9:14 in the morning still at the office, finishing up my reports for the week. Rest of the other QA's are doin' some calibration with one of the trainer and some ops people from non-voice. Excited to to watch a Repertoire Philippines play later at greenbelt..the thing is that means no sleep for me. Gotta go home, take a shower, dressup and get to makati before the rest of the valentines/saturday crowd turns active. (QA talk in the background etc. stats, variants, calibration..) gotta get these things off my head, its the weekends! wohhoo!

Drawn to pictures
unknown worlds i see
cut me up and you'll know whats inside
draw you in further, deeper down this hole
leave your life for awhile.

Where do dreams go when they fade away? Why do tears fall and souls sigh? Just a bit of heaven, a sunrise to fill each heart. Weary hands, tired little feet, put your hope in God. There is more than a silver lining to each dark cloud, though sometimes He cannot be found, when faith can't seem abound, when the sun still refuses to shine, don't despair, what can't be seen with open eyes might still be viewed through closed eyes and bended knees. Rest now my soul, put your trust in God.

"Leaving all y false infinites"

Falling away from all that I believed, my false infinites...I'm coming back to to the place I once knew. Falling down, looking up, reaching out. Walking past the borderlands, leaving the crossroads, I'm back to a place I once knew. That face, your touch, this heart...these hands. The Infinite, reflections of a world both familiar and strange to me, I catch a glimpse of a future home, I'm leaving my false infinites.

The calm before the storm..

I seat in front of a computer in a half empty room, the QA manager just seating across from me. Sipping on ice tea and trying to write something cool. But my sleep starved brain doesn't work the same way it did when I was still doing the normal shift (a morning job). Why do I keep on doing this? Besides the money which isn't really that big anyway if you consider all the possible diseases you'll get from working an 11-8 job which includes high blood pressure etc, the means just doesn't justify the end, my salary won't even pay for a weeks stay in a hospital if it comes to that. I guess its just for the love of it, the thrill that I get when I work with people, overcoming differences and aiming for a common goal..hmm, sounds like church to me, but without the complexities and irritants of working with people of the same faith.

Just like a child who has outgrown his old clothes, I still try to fit but I constantantly find myself yawning at everything. All those multimedia extravaganza highlighted by powerpoint presentations to the honest yet hohumm bible study group I was attending. I tried to look the other way, I try to be as christian-like, singing those songs for the umpteenth time, trying to feed in all the teachings of the pastor,..but for all I know I sometimes still come home feeling emptier. No, I'm not trying to lambast the church, no I'm not tryng to be self-righteous, I guess I've just outgrown the church. Nowadays, God's presence would visit me not inside a church building nor within a church small group, nowadays I often meet God face to face when I'm talking to a stranger, a colleague, reading a good book or just looking at the skies. I find myself more ministered to when I'm alone and it's just me and him talking..its just me and him without all the facade. I still enjoy attending church and being with God's people, I still enjoy their fellowship, but when I feel lost and I need to see the big picture, I'd rather go out and see the world, see it's peoples.. for there I often see... feel His heartbeat.

Smooth Temptations..

I am currently seating inside Gloria Jeans here at Mall Of Asia, now I usually go to Starbucks for my caffein kick but as usual SB was swarming with kinds and 20somethings with their laptops and Havaianas and there wasn't a spare seat in site. Reluctantly I had to look for an alternative, and there it was..Gloria Jeans, lots of room and seats. I looked at their menu and I asked "What's your Frapuccino type drink?" haha..I'm such a Starbucks fan. The barista pointed me to (to be continued)

Countdown to FB

I know right, I'm a creature of habit and new stuff scares me. While the rest of the universe has already migrated to this wonder of a site called FaceBook, I was just quite content updating my FS for quite awhile until now. So the countdown begins, i'm starting to packup my stuff and preparing for myself for the inevitable..it's like that "what the heck is a cellphone?" and yeah goodbye pocketbell pager lol.

It's hard to understand life's twisted roads and passages, it is disconcerting at times and for many of us life has treated us more cruel than kind. It's winding roads are littered with tears, heartaches and broken dreams and promises. Abandoned hearts longing for the love that was lost, longing and in want of the places and faces from their past. The coldness lingers inside each broken soul, its icy sting callouses the warmest of hearts..hardened and dead.

But tenderness does return, for every tear...comes a hand to wipe it. For every sorrow, joy begins. For every shattered heart...there is healing. For every sigh...comes a new hope. Life begins and the breath of a new beginning starts. For every closed door another one is open, for every goodbye there is a hello. Unrequited love is returned. I have learned that goodness always triumphs over evil, that weakened knees are made strong once more. We only need to return to the source of goodness and true love...love that never says goodbye, is always accepting, unchanging, ever faithful. A love strong enough to face death and triumphs over it. I wonder how many people have had their hearts broken...how many more do they have to go through before they surrender to grace. For me I await with fervent expectation what His grace will do next for me. He is unbelievably gentle and kind to touch and restore so that a pauper like me can learn to dance again.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (Amplified Bible)

4Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

6It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

Perfect Strangers

Was it merely an attraction? A newfound interest along the way? A love that came in too easy and went away just as fast.. we were needy for love and comfort so we found each other along this life's way. Two souls lost amongst the faces and the crowd. We were looking for something we did not know and in that search for the unknown we found each other. We thought we were moving in the same direction..but all it was a temporary reprieve from all that was lost in the past. We held hands, our eyes transfixed and we both found comfort for awhile, a secluded refuge in the midst of our personal storms..yet human hearts have a way of being restless..of wanting to be free, easily bored by the normal so we crave for the excitement of the unknown. So here we are again..perfect strangers, blindly finding our way through faces and the crowds again. Why do strangers become lovers and lovers become strangers? When does love begin and how does it end? Why do hearts that started to heal are ripped open once again? Maybe because the other loves too much and another loves too little..

Ghosts of Rwanda: a documentary; an introspect

I have watched various documentaries in the past, since I was young I was already interested the socio-political dynamics around the globe..its a very complicated world out there, were religion, politics and personal interests intermixed with humanity. I did a lot of travelling in the past as well, many countries, people, places, events..these have worked their way into my very core..my soul. Human beings are such an interesting species..capable of so much love, creativity and intelligence than all the other species in this earth, but also so capable of so much hatred, to such extent that we would try to wipe out each other. I sometimes wonder if we really did come from apes, I guess if we did, the evolutionists might have a point, because our actions don't amount too much as human beings..I guess we really are more like apes, barbaric and inhuman..or is it because we are spiralling down to this because we have thrown God out of the window and out of our system..I do wonder sometimes..

Please watch if you have the time. 

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/ghosts/

or type in "ghosts of rwanda" in youtube.

The crisp sound of paper being browsed, the smell of both old and new. The eyes of my mind are opened, spiritually whisked away to the unknown, I grab on to her wings, she turns her head and winks as the goddess of fables and dreams rescues me from the mundane. I looked at her and I burst out laughing; "yes! yes! take me away from the ordinariness of everything, restore my vision and release me from the conventionality of my life. Pictures...paintings, limitless colors. I heard the sounds of another world, not of my own, unfamiliar yet I embraced them as if they were a long lost brother. Higher, higher...in ecstacy I relished everything, for I know that of which is now of the present will become lost in memory. Suddenly she releases me, she who has been given the power over present and future, I started to fall, "No not yet!" I shouted, but I continued my seemingly endless fall. I wasn't afraid of death.

...I opened my eyes and I was still in bed, I smiled...tomorrow night..I will fly again.

get me out of here!

i have lived in a world manufactured by the delusional, a masterpiece of their imaginations. Although they suffer everyday, they are irrational and unopened to rational thinking, they have closed their minds to new things. Every tick and tock of the clock, every coming and going of each day they seemingly convince themselves that everything is okay and their lives are normal.They are bent to achieve a goal that is to the sane mind a wonderful pie in the sky life, where money comes down from heaven and food is delivered to your doorstep by some unknown entity. They suffer silently, pious looking yet hypocrites to the core. They have left every bit of logic and trash rationality out the door. Please do not judge me if I seemed unfair in my accusations, forgive if I doubt, but I would rather be in this crossroads of faith and doubt than to dwell in a world customed fit only for those who no longer enjoy living in this life. I sometimes wonder, is this all there is to it? I beg you not to categorize me, or fit me in some psychological bubble. Take off those rose colored glasses and see the world as I see it, at least please do try..

on to some geeky stuff/ espresso passion

Let me start by saying that coffee drinking is supposed to be a sensory experience, it starts with the music that starts with the sound of the espresso machine, the hissing melody as the wand touches the milk, the tamping of the portafilter, highly trained baristas who are coffee lovers themselves, the aroma of the coffee and finally the first sip as liquid gold touches your tongue…it is passion, it is art. So many stores have this huge sign hanging from every corner of their store shouting, best tasting coffee in the world or best espresso in the universe! and then you order one, and you get this stale tasting black thing in a styrofoam cup with no crema! What is this thing? Did i just pay 150 pesos for this?? But of course there are those experience wherein you order from a unknown coffee shop like perhaps a Bo’s coffee or some startup coffee nook, then your eyes pop and you get what Mark Prince describes as "the epiphany moment" and when you have that, its like you have this singular moment in time wherein you say to yourself, this is it..this is what I have imagine how it would be…this is espresso, this is the pinnacle, the apogee of what coffee should be. Remember the four M’s of an Italian espresso?; the heart and soul of real espresso is broken down to 4 important parts; Machine ( espresso machine), Macinzaione (grinder), Miscela (coffee) and Mano (the person making the shot). Without these four important components, there is no espresso, there is no coffee, all you have in your hands is a cup of high-priced sludge with a brandname on it. That is why I have this utter disdain over push-button machines which requires no skill, no interaction between person and machine.

Anyways! on to the geek stuff:

I have been thinking about getting a new espresso machine since my old one for some reason or another stopped working, well I could still hear the pump working but well no water is coming out of my portafilter, I think its clogged or something but anyway I’ve kept dreaming about that new Rancilio Silvia, it cost around 500 bucks in the States and in some storeds I heard its getting a bit higher. Its the best amongst the consumer level machines our there and very much touted amongst baristas and at the coffeegeek website. Now that Starbucks is very much out of my rulebook, its hightime to start looking for another coffee shop that sells real coffee or if you have enought moolah to spare, just get yourself your own espresso machine, get some barista training whether from some training centre or online and with a lot of practice, believe me you’re gotte be better than some of of the baristas at starbucks. Start with some basic coffee training, which includes coffee tasting if you’re really into being a real coffee connoisseur. I guess this is really all about counter culture, for some of us its not just about hanging out and just being seen on some wickedly fashionable cafe but really we are about how the coffee taste, we use words like clarity, complexity, balance or sweetness, we care about the body and the acidity of the coffee, and yes we know whether the coffee taste too damned burned and too roasted. Now going back to the Rancilio, its just beyond my reach as of this time but well who knows I’m just too geeky to pass off a good deal if I find a nicely priced Silvia, the thought of a nice shiny chromed espresso machine at home and the taste of real espresso is just the stuff wetdreams are made of. By the way, if you’re looking for a place to get a nice cup’o joe, try Bo’s Coffee, they’re not too crowded if you’re looking for a place to converse or just plunge into a good book, their coffee is a mixture of locally grown robustas and imported arabicas, their frapps are also quite good if you’re into that stuff. And yeah, I believe they still use old fashion espresso machines, that means they still manually check temperatures and do the tamping by hand which requires the skill of a correctly trained barista. That’s it for our coffee/geek talk for today. By the way, congrats to the Philippine wooshoo team for baggin’ the gold, I know I know it’s supposed to be an exhibition sport only, but its far better than getting no medals at all, cuz that really sulks you know. Oh well, umaasa pa kasi tayo. haha

The Rancilio Silvia

(Whether you’re a barista, espresso/coffee connoisseur, this machine is definitely a must have.)

"Well, the current Rancilio Silvia models not only have that very same
minimalistic yet strong looking badge on the front panel above the
steam knob, but also on the back of the machine! Very cool stuff. If
you have an open kitchen concept, you get to proudly
show your brand
loyalty to the folks sitting in your dining room or living room. And
I’m not being facetious here - the Silvia has always been perceived as
a machine of substance, and subtle, no-nonsense yet professional
branding is always a good thing.

"The grouphead is the beefy, separated design (ie, the boiler and
grouphead are two parts, instead of a single unit, like on the Gaggia
machines) that is all marine grade brass. It should do a very good job
retaining temperature once the machine is fully heated up. It features
a removable dispersion screen and block (basically a heavy brass disk
designed in part to retain heat), and the standard ring type group
gasket, which the user can replace every few years.

The Rancilio
Silvia is a "3 way solenoid valve" machine, meaning that a valve
immediately opens up after you finish brewing, relieving pressure from
the portafilter".

article taken from www.coffeegeek.com (review of the Rancilio Silvia)