trying to move out of someone else's shadow

Have you every felt like you were trying to fit in into someone else's shoe? trying to fit in into a shoe too small or just to big? I do. I feel like I'm living behind somebody else's shadow, this big dark shadow that I can't seem to overtake. I try to be me, I try to be the best that I can be, but even that doesn't seem to cut it. This shadow seems to be the standard of everything, I will always be compared to this shadow. I do wonder at times why this shadow seems to be so good that I can't even live up or just even up to it. I do feel very hurt at times, my heart ready to burst. Why can't I just be accepted for who I am, for the man that I am, to be given a chance to show what I can do and to prove that I can be good in what I do, for who I am..just me.

Sometimes you wonder, why life has to be unfair sometimes, but I guess that is reality. Your best will always not be enough to someone else. But I also know that things will also always be subjective and people will always have their own opinion so I guess I better learn to live with that fact. I do wish that I be given a chance to shine, to show and prove what I can do. That I can love, that I can be good in what I do, that I can be more than what they think I am. But unless I be given this chance, I will always be living behind this stupid shadow.

a comment to a friends blog

I was reading a friends blog after work, it was about going through the pains and difficulty of being hurt by someone you love. This was my response, I just thought of sharing it to all of you who might be reading this.

You are absolutely right about the facts girl, every gory detail is correct. Going through all that maybe one of the most difficult situations a person can undergo through. Reality bites, but what's amazing about life is that we can hope on, we can go on loving and loving. The best thing to do in this situation is to forgive and to go on with your life. It's one hard choice to make, healing takes time but like I said healing starts once you start forgiving. The other option would be to lash out, vindicate yourself by avenging yourself by making other people go through the same things that have been done to you. Yes, that may feel good..for awhile but still the pain remains. Only in making a choice to forgive and choosing to still do good inspite of what has been done to you is still the best way to heal. believe me you will reap the benefits sooner of later. Don't forget that there is a God who knows everything and will pay and repay each person for what they have done...some call this karma, I you believe in that right? Believe it for it is a fact. As for the person who has done you wrong, maybe one day, that person will realize the wrong that has been done, but even though that person doesn't acknowledge, go on with your life, you have your own life to live and a whole lifetime to to experience love. Who knows true love might just be waiting on the next curb for you. Blessings on you. For some of you who things this is masyadong "pa martyr"...well, think of this as a revolution of a different kind. The choice to do what is right.

real worth

"The Measure of a Man"

This world can analize and size you up and throw you on the scales
They can I.Q. you and run you through
Their rigorous details
They can do their best to rate you
And they'll place you on the charts
And then back it up with scientific smarts
But there's more to what you're worth
Than their human eyes can see
Oh, I say the measure of a man
Is not how tall you stand
How wealthy or intelligent you are
'Cause I've found out the measure of a man
God knows and understands
For He looks inside to the bottom of your heart
And what's in the heart defines
The measure of a man
Well, you can doubt your worth
And search for who you are
And where you stand
But God made you in His image
When He formed you in His hands
And He looks at you with mercy
And He sees you through His love
You're His child and that will always be enough
For there's more to what you're worth
Than you could ever comprehend
Oh I say the measure of a man
Is not how tall you stand
How wealthy or intelligent you are

'Cause I've found out the measure of a man
God knows and understands
For He looks inside
To the bottom of your heart
And what's in the heart defines
The measure of a man
You can spend your life persuing physical perfection
There is so much more
More than ever meets the eye
For God looks through the surface
And He defines your worth by what is on the inside
I say the measure of a man
Is not how tall you stand
How wealthy or intelligent you are
'Cause I've found out the measure of a man
God knows and understands
For He looks inside
To the bottom of your heart
And what's in the heart defines
Oh, I say the measure of
The measure of a man
Is not how tall you stand,
How wealthy or intelligent you are
Oh, I've found the measure of a man
God knows and understands it
For He looks to the bottom of your heart
And what's in the heart defines
Yeah, what's in the heart defines
Yeah, what's in the heart defines
The measure of a man
I know, I know

pictures in letters

I was going over treasure chest of memories last Friday. I have this big old chest inside my closet where I keep some of my old memorabilia, letters, old journals, pictures..things that I keep, a reminder of some past event...postcards, bus tickets, plane tickets and yes, even old r.eciepts (the sentimental side of me). But what I treasure the most amongst these "old junk" are my letters. Yes, letters. I have dozens of it, 8 year old letters, thank you notes, notes of appreciation. Letters from friends, from colleagues, classmates, friends and yes some from past girlfriends (maybe one or two).

I went over some of them, reading and rereading. It's like going back to the good old days, a trip down memory lane, As I read each one, I am taken back to the past, like riding on a time machine I am taken back to past events..places, restuarants..dinner. Suddenly, I hear laughter, I hear the voices...faces begin to flash inside my mind as I read the letters. Words of love and affection, words of assurance, of friendship and yes even of sorrow begin to pour over as I am awashed with waves of emotions. I remember each face, some gone, but some still part of my present. Some new and part of my future. I remember the conversations, the joy and the tears...of hugs, hello's and goodbye's. I remember the taste of the past, the sweet and the bitter, the sour taste of relationships gone wrong, the sweetnest and pleasure of starting anew. I was stopped suddenly by something warm flowing from my face, there were tears in my eyes. I paused for awhile to savor the moment, then I carefully placed back each one inside the box, as one places delicate crystal back to it's case. I will be visited once again by friends...who knows as I read those letters again...one day. For now, it's a hello and goodbye. Thanks for the memories.

in search of true love

The search for true love has been one of the most important journeys that a human being has ever taken, if not THE most important. What is it about love, that drives us to look for it? to go to great lengths just to find it. To the be driven by a desire beyond himself, sometimes to the point of insanity to search for it, searching, looking..journeying to find this treasure that only few will ever find. I have always been intruigued by this thing called love, for it is part of our humanity. Even the coldest among us, the pessimists and yes even the players..those who do not believe that true love could ever exist will at one point yearn for the true love. Love has been describe by so many people in so many different ways yet to some it is still an enigma. Why? Because it completes us, for it is the very essence of our humanity..to love and to be able to love in return. To fight, to go against all odds and yes even to the point of sacrifice. Deep words isn't it, but I do know this, that in todays society, love has become overrated, just like some word in some movie or script..without passion, without intensity...without meaning. People like you and me are looking for true love and yes sometimes in the all the wrong places, ,mistaking attraction or even mere lust for true love. There was a song I heard many years ago that discribed love as a verb..and action verb. You make that choice to love, to love inspite of the differences, the shortcomings of that person, to accept that person for who that person really is, without condition. Pretty complicated you might say, too idealistic too. But yes, such as love does exist..it exists in each of us for it is part of us, for those who have not experienced it before, for those who have been pained, for those of us who have been abandoned by family, lovers..friends..there is such a thing as true love and faithfulness. A man who lived two thousand years ago showed us what true love was like..that it meant sacrifice and faithfulness, and yes it was done just to show us that we too can love others like this and that true love does exist. To the players who are reading this, well call me sentimental, call me too idealisic..call me a fool. But I hope one day you'll all realize that in the end, you're the one's who are hurting yourselves. Blessings on all of you.

in praise of the weekends

Weekends are here again, I live for the weekends. The weekends, where time and space seems to pause a bit for a person such as me. Where Father Time seems to smile upon me allowing me a bit of time to rest, to ponder...to recharge, to do the things I love to do, to sit down, read a book I stopped reading for awhile. To be able to spend time alone in my room, to just be able to get away from this everyday orchestrated chaos and let calm and serenity reign for awhile. I guess this is one of the reasons why people do thank God for Fridays, yes..Yes! Thank God it's Friday!

pay day

Paydays are always good. I can't wait to go to Ortigas and have dinner with my girl tonight. There's a fiestive atmosphere here at work, people seemed to be extra nice..just an observation.